Steven Universe – Cheeseburger Backpack | Genius

[Open on beach near Crystal Temple]

Steven: (singing) Hey Mr. Postman, bring me a post, bring me the post that I love the most. (stops singing as Jamie appears) Huh? (gasps) My song came true! (excitedly) Do you have a package for me today?

Jamie: Hold on. (opens bag) Let me see what I’ve got here. (takes out package) Did you order a loaf of bread with a stamp on it?

Steven: No.

Jamie: (pulls out envelope) Did you order a jury summons for R.J. Finkle?

Steven: That’s not me, I’m Steven.

Jamie: Oh, right, right, right, Steven! (pulls out a package) Here it is, Steven Universe.

Steven: (looks at package) Ha! This thing is gonna help me save the world.

Jamie: Really? It says it’s from Wacky Sacks Supply Company.

Steven: Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl think I shouldn’t go on magic adventures because I don’t know how to use my Gem powers—

Jamie: That seems reasonable.

Steven: But there are other ways I can help.

Jamie: With a Wacky Sack?

Steven: Exactly!

Jamie: Do you know how you can save my world? (takes out signature pad) Sign here, please.

Steven: Aah! (writes his name)

Jamie: Barb yells at me if I don’t get signatures.

Steven: That’s awful. (light glows from Steven’s house) Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl are back! (takes package and runs up stairs)

Jamie: Wait, Steven! What is a Wacky Sack?!

[Trans. Int. Beach House]
Steven: (enters house) Huh?

Garnet: (covered in feathers) Hello, Steven.

Pearl: Amethyst, we do not need that! It’s not going to fit in the fridge!

Amethyst: What? I got this.

(She slowly slides a tray out of the fridge, spilling the milk and dropping the bagels, and puts in the giant egg)
Amethyst: Look, it fits! (slams refrigerator door)

(A crack is heard from the inside)
Amethyst: Oh, man. We can make a big omelet, or a quiche, or big sunny side ups!—

Pearl: (makes a face and says to Steven) We fought a giant bird. We’re only here for a second, we’ve got to go back out.

Steven: What? (holds package) Why?

Pearl: (shows Steven the statue) We have to place this Moon Goddess Statue on the top of the Lunar Sea Spire before midnight. Without it, the whole place will fall apart! Oh, Steven, you should have seen the spire in its heyday. (projects hologram of the Sea Spire) It was an oasis for Gems on Earth. It’s abandoned now, but we can still save it with this statue!

Steven: Wha? (eyes turn into star shaped) That’s perfect!

Pearl: What? Why?

Steven: Because I can help carry it for you in this! (takes backpack out of package and makes sound effects)

Pearl: A hamburger?

Steven: It’s a Cheeseburger Backpack, shaped like a cheeseburger! Aww, I blew it. (puts it on shoulder) I was just going to wear it one day, and you guys would be like, “Dang, Steven, that’s so cool.” But this is obviously important Gem business.

Pearl: Yes, so you should let us take care of it.

Steven: What? I’m a Gem! (lifts up shirt and points to gemstone)

Pearl: But you’ve still got a lot to learn.

Amethyst: So, let him come! (waves hands) It’ll be educational.

Pearl: Hmm, alright. (hands statue to Steven) You can carry it in your hamburger.

Steven: Hmm. (opens backpack) Check this out! Everything’s a pocket! Even the cheese is a pocket! I could fit a lot more stuff in here. Give me a minute. I’ll pack extra supplies.

(Steven goes to fridge and puts bagels in his backpack, then he goes to his closet and puts two sweaters, an inflatable raft, and a kite in as well. After that, he goes to his room and steps on a stuffed animal)
Steven: (gasps, then laughs) Mr. Queasy! (shakes the plush doll and laughs) You’re definitely gonna come in handy! (removes first aid kit and stuffs it in)

Pearl: Steeeven, let’s gooo!

Steven: Coming! (walks down stairs and onto the warp pad)

Pearl: Woah, Steven, did you bring your whole room?

Amethyst: Back that thang up.

Garnet: Let’s warp. (A blue light flashes from the pad but doesn’t cover Steven’s stomach)

Amethyst: Suck it in, Steven! (Steven inhales, pulling his stomach in)

[Trans. Int. Warp Pad]
Pearl: Do you remember how to do this? (Steven starts floating and laughing and his head goes out of the warp stream) Keep your head in. (pulls his head in) Come on.

[Trans. Ext. Lunar Sea Spire](The Gems land, Steven falls down, then looks at Sea Spire)
Steven: Whoa, the Sea Spire!

(The Gems sigh as a piece of the Spire falls off)
Pearl: It wasn’t like this a hundred years ago.

Garnet: I’m sensing structural instability.

Steven: Oh, yeah. (crack forms around him) That’s never good.

Pearl: Gah, Steven! (piece begins to fall)

Steven: What? (Pearl jumps up and saves Steven)

Pearl: Alright, hold on. We’re taking Steven back! (hugs Steven)

(Steven leaps off her and takes Mr. Queasy out of his backpack)
Steven: Oh, Mr. Queasy! (laughs)

Pearl: Steven! This place is your heritage. I want you to stay and help, but you really got to take this seriously! Can you do that, Steven?

Steven: You got it, dude! (sticks tongue out)

Pearl: Yesss…

Garnet: Enough, we have to move. (The Gems run up the cliff then Garnet comes to a stop)

Amethyst: What’s the hold-up? We can clear this easily.

Garnet: No. The magic that sustains the whirlpool creates a vortex that will pull us below. (Garnet throws a rock and it is pulled down)

Pearl: So we can’t jump?

Steven: Oh, wait! (pulls out sweaters from backpack)

Amethyst: What are those for?

Steven: They were for keeping warm, (ties them together) but check it out.

(Steven whips one end through the window and catches the other end. Steven takes a deep breath and jumps)
Amethyst: Steven!

Pearl: Wait! (Steven gets pulled down by the vortex)

Amethyst: He’s getting sucked down!

Gems: Steven!

Steven: Cheeseburger! (manages to land unharmed)

Amethyst: Steven! Way to go! C’mon, guys! (She summons her whip, grabs Pearl and Garnet, and whips it through the window) Steven style! (Amethyst climbs up and brings the rest into the Sea Spire)

Pearl: (to Steven) Don’t ever do that again!

Steven: Sorry!

Pearl: But it was pretty great.

[Trans. Int. Lunar Sea Spire](The Gems walk through the Sea Spire)
Pearl: Oh, no, no, no, this is even worse than the outside. Ugh… that’s… oh! Oh, this didn’t used to be so— Oh, and the water damage. This pillar… Oh, and this had a head… Oh, Steven, once the statue’s in place, it’ll restore all of this to its former glory (sees creatures crawling on the statue’s shoulders)— aaah! (summons her spear and slices statue in half)

Steven: What was that goober?

Pearl: Crystal Shrimp.

Amethyst: You guys, we got a problem! (Steven and Pearl run up the stairs to Garnet and Amethyst)

Pearl: (sees tons of crystal shrimp and gasps) It’s an infestation. And we have to pass through there to get to the top.

Steven: (leans towards one of the crystal shrimp) Can’t you just squish ’em?

Pearl: (pulls Steven away) Don’t touch that, their shards are deadly! (puts Steven down) We need to clear a path. (projects hologram Amethyst) Amethyst, if you go around to the side and disturb them with a spin attack… (projects Garnet on the ceiling) And Garnet, if you move to the ceiling and strike this exact spot… (projects an X) then I can advance with my… (projects herself)

Steven: Bagel sandwich!

(Steven takes two bagel sandwiches out of his backpack, then throws them on each side of the room. The shrimp proceed to follow one of the sandwiches and start to eat them, leaving a clear path for the Gems)
Garnet: Brilliant.

Amethyst: Oh hey, what do you know.

Pearl: (makes her hologram disappear) Uh, uhh, how did you know that would work?

Steven: Well, if I were a shrimp, that’s what I would do. (The Gems walk through the now clear path)

Amethyst: You are a shrimp. (The Gems begin to climb the stairs)

Pearl: I just want everyone to know: my plan would have also worked. (The Gems reach the top of the staircase)

Garnet: Watch out! (The wall to the left of them cracks and forms a small, rushing river that drops below)

Amethyst: What are we gonna do? (The Gems look at Steven)

Steven: What? Me?

Garnet: What have you got?

Amethyst: (chanting) Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! (Steven nervously reaches into his backpack) Pearl, c’mon.

Pearl: Oh, alright.

Pearl & Amethyst: (chanting) Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! (Steven smiles and pulls out a yellow raft.)

Steven: A raft! (Steven pulls the raft’s handle and it inflates; Amethyst and Garnet gasp)

Pearl: Steven, that’s so sensible!

(Steven places the raft in the water. It quickly floats away, and goes over the side of the Spire. Pearl and Amethyst groan. Garnet kicks a pillar and one end lands on the other side of the river, forming a bridge)
Garnet: Good idea anyway, Steven. (The Gems cross the bridge to the other side and begin to walk up another staircase)

Amethyst: Yeah, they can’t all be winners.

(The Gems slowly climb up the winding stairs. They finally get to the top, and Steven stares in awe. The Gems approach the pedestal)
Pearl: This is it. The Moon Goddess pedestal. (looks up) And the moon is almost overhead! It’s not too late to save this piece of history!

Garnet: Steven, the statue.

Steven: (Steven sticks his hand in his backpack and feels for the statue but is unable to find it) Uhh, I, uh, ah, uhh…

Amethyst: What’s the hold-up?

Steven: (with a terrified look on his face) I don’t have it. (The Gems gasp)

Pearl: What?!

Steven: I must have left it on the bed! (The Gems look at the moon)

Pearl: There’s… there’s no time…

Steven: Wait! (reaches into his backpack) I have an idea! (pulls out Mr. Queasy)

Amethyst: Could that work? (Garnet shrugs)

(Steven walks to the pedestal and places Mr. Queasy on it)
Mr. Queasy: Kid, don’t shake me.

(The moon blasts a ray of light onto Mr. Queasy, who then floats up towards the moon. Only a few feet up, Mr. Queasy violently shakes and the Gems scream. Mr. Queasy explodes and the Gems scream again. The Spire begins to shake, and a bunch of cracks form in the ground. The waterfall starts to close in on the Spire)
Garnet: Everyone, keep steady! (Amethyst falls into Garnet)

Steven: No, no, no, no, no!

(The cracks separate and the Gems are pushed apart. Each piece sinks and an ocean is all that is left. The Gems swim to the surface)[Trans. Ext. Lunar Sea Spire]
Steven: This is all my fault. I broke it.

Pearl: No, Steven, the Spire was falling apart when we got here. You handled everything well under pressure. You did great!

Amethyst: Yeah, two out of four of your ideas worked. That’s fifty percent.

Steven: Yeah. I guess you’re right. They can’t all be winners. (The raft then pops up to the surface and the Gems stare in amazement) Wooo! (The Gems get in the raft)

Pearl & Amethyst: Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack! Cheeseburger backpack!

Garnet: It’s a three-hour paddle home.

Steven: (reaches into his backpack and gets a bagel) Anyone want a wet bagel?



Home Gadgets

I’m Walter, and I’m a big fan of all things related to gadgets for the home.